Today’s breaking news from Biddissville is that earlier in the week the most senior Collie law enforcer, the now famous Officer Oswald of the black & white division of the Border Collie police, was shamelessly framed by a notorious petty criminal for a heinous ham crime that occurred in the front hall.
After patrolling the local park in a particularly brisk and efficient manner, Officer Oswald had escorted well known reprobates Mental Mini and The Portuguese Pilfering Pooch back to Biddissville and secured them in the hall. Mrs Biddiss tells us what happened next:
“’I had a fresh packet of ham in a small plastic bag that I take to the park in order to ensure the safe recall of the mysterious Madeiran one — calling has little effect on these foreign hounds. Unfortunately, in a momentary lapse of concentration, I left said ham on the windowsill by the front door while I went outside to speak to Revving Rev Biddiss, the fastest man on three wheels. When we returned into the house we caught Officer Oswald, seemingly red pawed, with his face in the empty ham bag on the floor.”
Mrs Biddiss immediately made a citizen’s arrest and Officer Oswald received a serious talking to regarding his role, responsibilities and the effect that this bad example was likely to have on the other dogs in Biddissville, who are quite frankly easily led and already prone to random acts of mischief.
Poor Officer Oswald, still recuperating from a recent vicious attack by a Rottweiler and an epileptic fit that very morning, was understandably devastated. During all his recent illnesses and vet visits he had loyally continued to patrol Biddissville and the neighbouring park area. It was only after seeing the look of utter misery and injustice on poor Officer Oswald’s face that the Reverend and Mrs Biddiss realised that a grave miscarriage of doggy justice had occurred.
“The utterly ridiculous celebration dance being carried out by the Portuguese Pilfering Pooch, accompanied by excessive smacking of doggy lips and a very loud hammy belch, helped to point the way to the real culprit,” explains Mrs Biddiss. “Under interrogation, Mental Mini, a hyperactive and often quite silly witness to the whole crime admitted that she saw The Portuguese Pilfering Pooch purloin said ham from the windowsill and quickly and furtively consume the whole lot.”
Officer Oswald had been quick to secure the crime scene and take the evidence from the criminal, and was busy carrying out a meticulous forensic examination of the ham bag when Mrs Biddiss came on the scene and the terrible misunderstanding took place.
Officer Oswald was terribly gracious and accepted a full apology from the citizens of Biddissville; a compensatory Bonio was ceremoniously presented to him.
The cast of characters: